My friend Jessica sent this to me a while ago (like over a year ago, I think). At least, I think she was the one who shared it with me. Anyway, I figured I should share it with you. I’ve never copied a youtube video into my blog before, so let’s see if this works.
I couldn’t figure it out. So you’ll have to go to the link.
In a theology class (I think) in college the professor talked about “isms.” There are tons of words that this particular ending of ism gets attached to, though at the moment my brain isn’t producing a lot of them. But he talked about those three letters as being the basis for someone’s center, their frame of reference. “What is your ism?” he would ask. Then he turned it into an acronym:
Identity
Security
Meaning
An ism is where someone finds their identity, security, and meaning. The ism is the attempt to answer the great question, “why are we here?” I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.
God’s been challenging my isms through this process. I think I’ve had pastor’s wife-ism, and church-ism, and a few other isms including some related to my deep need to be intelligent in the eyes of others. And while I’ve been confronted with some isms from those that I love which have shaken me to the core, at the same time, I’ve had to realize that the only isms I’m supposed to change are my own. If my identity, security, and meaning are not found in Jesus Christ, then there is no point. He is the only source of life, the reason I am here.
Yes, I believe I am called to be a pastor’s wife, but more importantly, I am called to be Travis’ wife. Therefore, I am called to be the wife to him in his calling. And I still believe he is called to be a pastor. But my calling as wife to him in his calling is secondary. Does that make sense? Let me take this another way.
First, I am called to be a child of God. That is my central relationship in life. Redeemed, I live out a life of sanctification daily through my other relationships. The first of those relationships is the one I have with Travis. After that, the relationships fall into place much better. But whether or not we are involved in the life of a congregation is not central to our relationship. It is God who is central.
It’s hard – it’s Sunday morning and we aren’t at church. I wish I could say that I understand better where those who don’t go to church are coming from, but I am still learning. And I can’t say that I know better how to help people want to attend church. I get it – going isn’t always easy or fun. For me, it’s easier to compare it to going to a health club. I know I should exercise. I know that in a class I tend to do better and keep going longer than I would on my own. I feel better once I go. But I get intimidated by those who have the steps down, whose workout clothes are clearly much nicer, whose bodies show that they have been at this for some time. And I get lazy about all of the stuff involved in getting ready to go – pack bag, drive over, take ID card and lock, changing in front of strangers, swimming in a crowded pool, showering, etc. Heck, if I’ve already showered I often talk myself out of going just because I don’t want the hassle or dry skin from showering twice. And don’t get me started about the cost involved.
I imagine for those not accustomed to attending church it can feel like that. From clothing to comfort to money, besides the all-too-easy “I just don’t feel like going,” many who would otherwise go just don’t want to. And so many of our churches are set up to “feed” those who have always come. Why aren’t we feeding those who need it most? If you’ve been a Christian your whole life, why do you think you “deserve” to have church a certain way – and I don’t just mean traditional worship. There are plenty of advocates for contemporary worship who want it that way because they enjoy it. But if we focus on making worship the way the people in the pews want it to be, we’re missing the boat. How is every aspect of worship engaging those present with their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? What are we doing to bring others into fellowship with us as Christians and through us, with God? If it’s not about that, then why are we gathering each week?
I sometimes do wonder if we asked people why they go to church, if they would have an answer. How many others out there are in the midst of Attending-Church-ism? What if we started practicing Christ-ism?
I have been struggling a lot lately as you know. Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me, and lack of it is one of the most prevalent sins in my life that keeps cropping up again and again. Call it pride, selfishness, whatever you want, I don’t want to forgive someone who has hurt me. Well, today I wasn’t feeling very well, so I stayed home when Travis went to worship. As I have written before, we haven’t been to our church since mid-November, but we’ve been worshiping at another church in the area whose pastor is a friend of Travis. I have been praying earnestly since last night and throughout the morning that God help me with this area of unforgiveness in my life. I’ve been struggling with not wanting to forgive people at church, not wanting to forgive my husband for the role he played in what happened, not wanting to forgive those in authority who do not seem to be protecting us in the way that I want to dictate for them. You see the hypocrisy in my assumptions here. I know it. And add to this the crushing weight of unforgiveness for just about every hurt that has occurred in eight years of marriage. Those of you who are married know what I mean by that – your spouse has the capacity to hurt you in ways that no one else can, and Satan is very good at inserting himself into our marriages and exacerbating those hurts. And I am very good at holding onto them. I’ve built a brick wall around my heart and I don’t let anyone in. That ends today, God willing. I’m terrified and feeling very unsafe, because that wall is what I’ve believed has kept me safe all of these years. It reminds me of the song “Rachel” by Lost and Found. Those of you who are long-time LCMSers will probably know it, especially if you’re part of the camp/university system.
But I don’t look at my situation as hopeless. God can tear down any wall He wants. When Jesus died, He tore the temple curtain in two. I read that this morning as I poured through Scripture. My parents bought us a Treasury of Daily Prayer last year and I have been sporadic in making use of it. It combines a daily set of Scripture readings with other Christian writings and also has other sections with various kinds of prayers and worship supplements. I pulled it out today and turned to the January 24th readings. Apparently today is the day for St. Timothy, and the readings included Psalm 131, Joel 3:1-21, and Romans 12:14-13:14. The Romans passage began with “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.” How is it that God always knows what we need to hear at any given time? It always amazes me how He can do that. Then there was a brief passage written by Valerius Herberger. I’ve never heard of this person but I’m sure a more learned theologian than me would know who he is. In the passage he wrote that “on the day of St. Timothy, the Gospel of John 15:9-16 is read.” Needless to say, I pulled out my Bible and turned there next.
9“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” (Courtesy of Biblegateway.com)
I added the boldface to the two items that stood out for me. First, if you are a long-time reader of this blog (or guessed from the title of it), JOY is a big part of my life. Not the experience of it, per se, but learning to recognize it and experience it. It’s a lesson God has been teaching me in multiple ways. But then verse 13 nailed me. I’ve been so busy making sure that I don’t let other people hurt me that I forgot this truth: love is about self-sacrifice. I have been so unwilling to lay down my life for my husband, let alone anyone else. I know God forgives me for this. But I have been remiss in my duties as a wife in that I haven’t been willing to lay down my wants, my desires, my hurts and anger and even my needs for him. I spent more time thinking it over, how hard that is for me to do, and then God gently reminded me of what Jesus did on our behalf. He DIED. He went to a cross, suffering torment and anguish and DIED so that those who were beating him, mocking him, hurting him, could have life. They were essentially strangers, people that in his human walk he had no relationship with. Then think about the disciples who disowned him, from Peter to Judas and all through the ranks. Think about Paul, who persecuted and killed Christ’s followers. Think about you and me, who turn our backs on God every single day in our sinfulness. And yet Jesus still went through it all to die for every one of us. Who am I to withhold forgiveness, to build a wall of safety around my heart, to stay out of the mess of loving relationships, all in the name of self-preservation?
As I write this, I realize that I need to share all of this with my husband first. So if you see it, it won’t be immediately after I wrote it. I may not publish it at all. But I just had to write this down because of the profound wisdom that God has shared with me about all of this. I have no rights to being comfortable, being happy, having things my way or relishing my self-righteousness. I have the responsibility to lay down my life for my friend, my husband.
It’s funny – just when I was getting too absorbed into our problems, I find myself reminded of what’s really important. I know I’m probably one of thousands of bloggers who has mentioned this topic this week, but it’s hit home for me in a very real way – the earthquake in Haiti. You see, there’s a church in the area where we used to live, and I still stay in touch with a couple of their DCE’s via facebook and blogs. I consider them to be colleagues, even friends. One of them, Sue, and the pastor of that church, Chuck, plus a group of others, went down to Haiti on Sunday for their annual mission trip. They are currently there. Through the wonders of internet, twitter, and the connectivity that I sometimes think is not so good (but in this case is a good thing) we know that they are all safe. They weren’t in the worst damaged areas. So I’ve been praying for them lately, obviously.
Here are some amazing things about that:
1. God must have wanted them to be there for this. They arrived basically a day and a half before the earthquake hit. Their original mission was to reach out to an orphanage that they are connected with, do some handy-man work, and run a VBS. Needless to say, they are not doing those things now. But the supplies they brought are needed more than ever, and they have been able to pray with people at the hospital who are turning their lives over to Jesus. What a miracle!
2. Chuck, the pastor and his wife have adopted a couple of kids from the orphanage. I don’t know why, but they have not yet been able to bring them home. Because Chuck is there, he knows his kids are safe. If he wasn’t there, it would take weeks to get news of their well-being. This spares them the agony of wondering. I am so thankful for them.
3. While they may have trouble returning home, I don’t think any of them are in a real hurry to get back. One member had a family member with some health issues back home, but otherwise, I think they are thankful to be there.
If you want to know more, head over to Sue’s blog at http://sweetsoup.wordpress.com/. Another worker at their church who is at home has been updating her blog for her with the news as they get it. Please pray for the people of Haiti if you aren’t already and for the amazing ministry being done by this mission team.
Traveling to my sister’s house between Christmas and New Year’s gave me a chance to revisit the concept of living in a church-owned house. In fact, she and I went for coffee one afternoon and talked about creating a manual for churches when they have a new pastor coming in, to make sure that the house is prepared and that information is shared. So here is my thoughts on the beginning of that manual.
Don’t assume that the new pastor and his wife and children are exactly like your old pastor, his wife and children. This is obvious when it comes to ministry, but is also a matter of not expecting their preferences of decor (including paint, wallpaper, carpet, and curtains) or level of cleanliness to be the same. Some people are willing to keep their trash cans in the garage ten feet behind the house. Others prefer to have easy access to them just outside the back door. And don’t even get me started on the bird motif in the kitchen.
Do take the time to walk through the house while it is empty to assess needed repairs and updates. This is a two-time job, once when the former pastor moves out and then again shortly before the new ones arrive. Of course, this all depends on the length of time the house sits empty. I am aware that some churches have new ministers in place within weeks of the old one leaving. But don’t assume that the repairs and walk-through done eighteen months ago still hold. Check the outlets, appliances, faucets and drains. Make sure the furnace works. And please, don’t just patch the holes in the walls and repaint the patched area with a different type of paint. Even if it’s the same color, flat and semi-gloss do not mix!
Don’t ignore the age or function of the various elements of the house. Yes, I know, there is an element of character to the parsonage. The arches are beautiful, and we love the built-in bookcases. It would just be nice if the bathroom door actually closed, and the kitchen cabinets had more than a six-inch clearance between the fixed shelves. If you have to throw a golf ball down the drain to fill the tub, that’s probably not the best method for taking a bath. And why on earth did you carpet the kitchen?
Do consider how you would feel living in the house. Please, take one or two women with you on the walk-through. And ask everyone involved to pretend they are house-hunting and considering the church-owned home for purchase. If you wouldn’t want to buy it or rent it, why do you want to make your pastor live with it as-is? Remember, your new pastor will probably be energized and excited as he begins work in your congregation and community. But he and his family deserve to have a comfortable place to relax, too.
Don’t assume that they will know the basics. Provide a list of things that you take for granted living in your town all these years. When is garbage day? Is there recycling, and what is the procedure? Where is the best grocery store? What kinds of jobs are available for the pastor’s wife? Which bank, hairdresser, dry cleaner, and playground do you recommend? All of these will ease the transition.
Do try to remember that it is their house, not yours. Despite the walk-through, ultimately the house provided to the pastor’s family is their home. So please do not assume you can just walk in any time you want, or make decisions about how they choose to decorate it. I realize there are some ground rules to be established (i.e., don’t paint the woodwork, pick up yard toys on mowing day, etc.) but please do not tell your pastor or his wife that their couch is unacceptable or their house must remain spotless for surprise inspections. They deserve to have a home, not a dormitory complete with house mother (or father).
I realize that some of these things are a bit over-the-top, but many come out of the experiences that I or others I know have shared. Remember, I grew up in a parsonage (two, actually). My husband and I have been fortunate to own our own homes other than during his first call, and even that was a different situation where we rented the house from a church. Whole different ball game, let me tell you. But my parents are now in their third parsonage, and my sister and her family in their second. These are thoughts that come out of those experiences.
I know some of you may be wondering why I shifted gears from our current situation. At this point, until decisions are finalized and the right people are informed, I have to take a break from writing about it. Details shared here would be jumping the gun. So I’m going back to the original purpose of this blog. Thanks for stopping by!
Because the internet is public, I cannot discuss the details of what’s happening with us, with ministry, with church. We have some praying and thinking to do, as do others. Please keep praying for us – for wisdom, for discernment, for peace. And I want you all to know that the prayers and encouragement has meant a great deal to us both. I feel bad because I haven’t been able to respond to some individuals from church who have been encouraging us as well. So if you read this and are part of our current congregation, please feel free to share the sentiment with others that you know are praying for us.
I will try to keep posting, even if I have nothing new to share. On a lighter side, our ice maker in our fridge is fixed! And I’m pondering why someone would post the color of their bra on facebook and what that has to do with cancer support. I guess there are various colors to represent the various types of cancer but it still seems weird. So I will say “blue,” not because of the color of my undergarment (I have no blue ones, so you can’t even make conjecture about this) but because of my great aunt who is currently undergoing treatment for colon cancer, and blue is the color for it. Their whole family had t-shirts made up that say, “I wear blue for my mom” or “I wear blue for my wife.” Pretty awesome, huh? And her struggle puts ours into perspective. She’s fighting for her life, but she’s not giving up her spirits in the process. I wish I could be that positive when struggles come my way.
The house repairs went well, just was annoying because they continued to move throughout the house all day. So we gave up moving around from room to room to stay out of their way and just sat there watching them or playing games on our phones. But most of the work is now done, with a crew being sent to fix a couple of areas that couldn’t be done the day of our walk-through. So I guess we can paint now. I just don’t quite feel up to it right now.
Ok, it’s January now. The plan was to wait for January. But we still don’t know what’s happening, and I do realize that it’s only the 5th, but still, this stinks. How long do we wait? And for what outcome? I do not deal well with anxiety. The last few weeks have been hard. I thought last year at Christmas was difficult – we spent it packing and preparing to move and saying goodbye to people. Travis reminded me last night that yesterday was the one year anniversary of our last day at our old church. So Christmas didn’t feel the same last year. It felt rushed and I remember looking at the decorations and just wanting to pack them up because I knew they were some of the last things to pack. I couldn’t enjoy the season for what it is.
So now this year… I guess being at a church you know you are leaving is better than not being at church at all during Christmas. We did a little devotion Christmas Eve night. But it isn’t the same as sitting in a sanctuary singing “Silent Night” by the light of a hundred candles. And I know that we can celebrate the birth of Christ in a million different ways, but there is something to be said for certain rituals and traditions, especially for the big church festivals. Candles at Christmas, flowers at Easter. While they are a pain in the butt to set up and a mess and all of that, it’s still special and well worth it.
Christmas day ended up being interesting too. The first leg of our flight was uneventful. When we landed, we noticed a plane off of one of the runways surrounded by police and fire trucks and all that. We shrugged it off, must have been an emergency landing of some kind. Then our next flight ended up being delayed, waiting on “inbound crew.” Apparently our pilot was coming from a plane from Canada and had gotten stuck in customs during a busy time or some such thing. At least, that was what the airline personel led us to believe. Finally got a new pilot (God bless him for taking an extra shift on Christmas day!) and we were on our way. It wasn’t until later that we learned why there was such a mess – did I mention the airport was Detroit? But we got to our destination safely and returned home safely without a huge amount of inconvenience. I can’t imagine if they had shut down the airport over it.
Today our house is in shambles, too. We have a one-year warranty on our townhome (it was new when we bought it) so they are coming today to fix problems in the drywall. So our living room furniture is piled up in the middle of the room with sheets over it, and the pictures are off the walls. The desks in our office is pulled out from the wall and covered as well. Cleaning up after this will be fun, and he’s not even coming until noon because of the massive snow storm that has hit our area this week. Hopefully I won’t be doing laundry (for the sheets) and vacuuming (for the dust) all night.
That’s about it. I’m thankful that Travis is able to be here today to help with this. I can keep the dog occupied and away while Travis deals with the repairman. But at the same time I know that this is not where he is supposed to be long-term. He is a pastor, and he is supposed to be pastoring! God is working, I do know that. I just wish He worked faster sometimes. And yes, I know that His timing is perfect. We’ve already seen that. It’s the waiting that’s killing me.
I think this blog will be quiet for the next couple of weeks. Nothing has changed with church, we still haven’t gone back. As of right now, we’re not sure what’s happening with that, but we know the plan is to do something in January. But it’s not in our hands, and we’re trying to be okay with that.
In the meantime, we’re taking some time this weekend to go visit some friends. We were originally going to spend Thanksgiving with them until everything blew up and we went to Nebraska to see my parents instead. So we’re making up for that missed visit, and then we’ll come back home for a day or two. Then on Christmas day, we already had plane tickets to go to my sister’s house. We decided to keep them as is (mostly because changing plane tickets the week of Christmas is both expensive and impossible). Because getting a ride to the airport on Christmas day would be next to impossible, we decided to treat ourselves and we’re going to spend Christmas Eve night at a hotel by the airport.
What’s hard is that for the first time in both of our lives we’re not going to go to church on Christmas. But we know that God is using all of this to bring us closer and closer to each other. Travis said to me yesterday that he had been praying for an opportunity for us to get closer, and now he’s almost wishing he hadn’t prayed for it! 
Funny how God answers our prayers in ways we don’t expect.
I think Travis has found some element of peace now. Yesterday we ate breakfast in a restaurant and he overheard a guy at the next table say, “Why are you worrying about something you can’t control?” He knew the fact that he only overheard that phrase was because God wanted to reassure him. And it helped that we got into the Christmas spirit by shopping for each other yesterday too. One of Travis’ strongest love languages is giving gifts, so he was overjoyed just by getting to shop for me. Am I blessed or what?
If I don’t write again this year, please know that I pray that you all have a wonderful Christmas, New Year, holiday season, vacation, what have you. I’m looking forward to seeing my nieces next week and spending time with old friends this week. God’s blessings to you all as we celebrate the birth of Christ!
This waiting thing is very hard, but at the same time it gives me a tiny picture of what we’re supposed to be doing as we wait for Christ’s return. Appropriate, given the Advent season. The difference is, we know what will happen when Christ comes, more or less. The details might not be clear, but we know we’re going to heaven to be with Him. This time of waiting is tough because we have no idea what the outcome is. We don’t know what the other people involved are thinking or doing, or what their perspective is. So we sit and wait and make assumptions about the situation, and wonder if we’re completely wrong about what is going on here.
Yesterday, for the first time in three weeks, someone involved with this entire process asked me directly how I’m doing. I’ve had lots of people ask the question via facebook, email, etc., but no one involved in this mess asked me until yesterday. He said he knows this is hardest on me. Yet in the midst of everything, I’ve felt like I don’t really exist. Travis has been very good about being there for me as much as he can, but he’s spending a lot of time in prayer (as he should) and truthfully is feeling pretty low himself most days. So that’s why I turned to those of you I can reach online. Being a pastor’s wife is a pretty lonely gig, I have to say. Most of the time I’m ok with that. I tend to live mostly in my own head anyway, and I’m content with just thinking and praying and passing time. I like my alone time.
One of the tough things for me in the past three weeks is that I’ve had precious little alone time. Not that I am upset by it, but I find myself falling behind on things that normally don’t plague me, like laundry. I may not be the best with other household tasks, but I usually find time to get the laundry done. It’s hard to keep any semblance of routine going when another person is there who needs me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a woman from our old congregation lately. The first few weeks we were there, she went up to my husband and told him, “I’m not praying for you. You have enough people doing that. I’m praying for your wife instead.” Boy, do I miss her these days!
And I know it’s not about me. I’m realizing that all of the lessons I’ve been learning from God over the years about forgiveness are needed most right now. Whether others have actually hurt us or it’s just our perception of them hurting us, I still need to forgive them. Holding onto hurt won’t change anything that’s happened, nor will it help me or empower me in any way. It’s in releasing the hurt and giving it over to God that I find freedom.
So we continue to wait. Come Lord Jesus! Come quickly, please!
While I don’t get too attached to traditional worship forms, I do have to say that I love the collects (pre-written liturgical prayers) for Advent. I think all but one of them begins with “Stir up Your power O Lord, and come…” That is the prayer of my heart right now.
I have three categories for this blog: Ministry, Personal, and Uncategorized. I don’t really use the third one, I think it’s a default setting. But the first two I created because some stuff I write about is ministry related and some is personal. Lately the two have been colliding big time.
The roller coaster continues to cycle. We have had so many ups and downs throughout the past few weeks that it’s hard for me to discern what’s going on at any point in time. Yesterday I was to the point that I was swearing off being a pastor’s wife entirely. Not that I would leave my husband, but that I don’t want to be present at any church, ever again, in that role. I’m so tired of having to pretend to be more outgoing than I actually am, to force myself to interact with people when my preference is to just blend in, and to join in activities I’d rather not, all for the sake of my husband’s ministry. Because in the end, none of that does any good. If Satan wants to destroy a man’s ministry, he will do everything in his power to do it. I don’t think we’re at that point yet, but it’s sure felt like it several times.
Hope is on the horizon, this much I do know. Things should be settled this week, and we’ll know what is going to happen either way. What hurts is that we have tried our best to not triangulate (draw others into the conflict) and badmouth, yet because we’re not operating that way, we’re the ones who seem to be losing. I hate it when evil tactics seem to win the day.
I’m a huge fan of Casting Crowns (I think I’ve said that before, maybe in my last post even, I can’t remember), and so much of their music keeps running through my head. It’s no coincidence that we went to their concert a couple of weeks before this happened and got their newest CD in the mail days before the mess started. God knew I needed to hear His voice through their music. Here are some of the titles that have meant the most to me lately:
“I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”
“If We’ve Ever Needed You”
“Stained Glass Masquerade”
“Praise You in This Storm”
There are others of course, but these have meant the most to me. I highly recommend them (well, really, any of their music). Thanks, Kim, for introducing me to them.
Keep praying – it really does help! I am amazed and overwhelmed by the volume of prayer support we are receiving from everyone across the country. Facebook is not just for networking. God can use it too!
