Musings in the void July 31, 2008

It’s funny, I have a few blogs I check in with on a regular basis. Some are highly personal, others are very ministry-oriented. I don’t really get into searching out blogs yet, though I may over time as I see links from other people’s blogs. But who has that much time in the day? I am still working on figuring out my “voice” for this one. I’m not sure if I want it to be purely ministry-related, where I put a link on the church website and invite members to read it. At the same time, I don’t know that I want to focus just on personal stuff, because my life is just not that interesting. The personal ones I read are from people with kids, so of course they always have some interesting story, either related to making lemonade or losing teeth. Me, I write about buying a mattress and it makes me want to sleep!

This is the ongoing dilemma of my life, too. Where do I focus my time? Do I spend my days around church-related activities, or do I focus on home? And to be honest, what is it that I do with my time that makes a difference? I go in to work and do some prep for ministry and then groan over the state of my office, mostly a mess of papers. Then I go home and do laundry or cook, but none of these things feel like life to me. I get excited about teaching the faith, which I do mostly on Sundays or in brief conversations throughout the week. And I am always happy when my house is nice for my husband to come home to it, though unlike most wives I spend the bulk of my day next to him anyway.

All of this goes to the subject of vocation, of Christian calling. I am what God is making me to be. What I do is important, even if it feels mundane, because it is the task God has set for me to do today. This is a topic I have spent the greater part of my adult life wrestling with. I read books on the subject by the truckload, I wrote my master’s thesis on it, and I pray about it constantly. I have a strong desire to feel purpose in my actions (and no, I haven’t been able to finish The Purpose Driven Life). So that is my struggle with blogging, to come full-circle in this post. I want to know that my writing is not pointless babbling sent out into the void. Heck, I want to know that about my life, too.

No more pencils… July 30, 2008

Only a few more bulletin board posts and I am DONE!  Done with what, you might ask?  Done with SCHOOL!  Ok, there are actually a few more things that I need to do besides some posts, but I should back up a bit.

When I was fifteen, I heard God’s call in my life to be a Director of Christian Education (DCE).  Well, I also wanted to marry a pastor, but I figured I didn’t have a lot of control over that one.  I was a sophomore in high school, at that age when everyone starts asking seriously what you want to do when you grow up.  I settled on DCE and didn’t look back.  It led to me picking my college, my freshman classes, what scholarship I applied for, everything.

Then I met Travis, and we started dating.  He was going to be a pastor.  Perfect!  While our relationship had its ups and downs, I knew I wanted to marry him from the beginning.  So I started to think rationally about my major (this was sophomore year of college), and my thinking led me to the belief that a pastor and a DCE can’t be married to each other.  The way I looked at it, either they would have to work in separate churches (and not worship together) or work together at the same church and struggle to keep boundaries between work & home.  So I switched majors a couple of times and ended up with a degree in theology and English, which pretty much prepared me to do nothing.

God seems to have the last laugh a lot in my life.  My husband’s first call after seminary was to be a mission developer in Buffalo.  He wasn’t attached to a specific church, and I found myself working part-time in youth ministry for a church.  I began working on the DCE thing again at that time, entering an online MA degree program through Concordia.  Then, halfway through, Travis took a call to Salem, so I could not complete the internship portion of certification to be a DCE.  I worked for a couple of years for a not-for-profit in Springville, and then in March 2007 our congregation hired me as Director of Parish Ministry.  So here I am, working with my husband.  Yes, the boundaries between home and work are difficult to maintain, but not impossible.

So last August, I went back into online schooling through Concordia to finish up this DCE certification thing.  I am in the last weeks of my internship, which coincided with classes online, and we had our final chat session on Monday.  Just a few more posts, and I can remove the link from my web browser.  Then in September, I will go to Minnesota for my certification interview.  Then I can say that I am really done.  Other than preparing for the interview, August will feel relaxing.  Summer ministry will wrap up, school will be over, fall education programs won’t get going until September.  I’m looking forward to it.

Trying… and not failing July 29, 2008

My husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  Without going into a lot of detail as to why, the conventional method is really not available to us.  So we’re working with a specialist who is circumventing some of the problems through a process called intrauterine insemination (IUI).  I get to take special drugs, have an injection, and we go into the office at a prescribed time.  In the end, it all feels so clinical to me, and I hate every minute of it.

The worst is the delicate balancing act we play between asking for prayers and not broadcasting the whole business.  I hate having to let people know that it didn’t take this month, because that is inevitably followed by looks of sympathy and hugs and compassionate words, all of which I know are people showing us that they care.  But for me, it’s a reminder of how I think I’m supposed to feel.  So often Hollywood depicts people who are just devastated by the fact that they can’t get pregnant.  I don’t feel that way at all.  Yes, I’m frustrated by this process.  I hate going to a doctor for something like this (well, I don’t enjoy doctors visits anyway).  Somewhere along the way, I’ve realized that it’s all about whether or not God wants us to have a child, to be parents.  He will be doing the creating, not us, not the doctor.  It will be His timing, not ours, that makes it happen.  And I have fully accepted that, knowing I’m in really good Hands.

In the meantime, I get the impression that other people assume that I’m feeling something that I’m not.  I’m not sad about this not getting pregnant.  I won’t be upset either way.  I will probably be feeling terror more than excitement if and when I do get pregnant, because we lost a baby once before.  More than anything, I am learning to be patient.  And it is certainly a lesson in patience for Travis, who didn’t realize before this that it takes two weeks before you can even bother testing for the pregnancy hormones.

Don’t get me wrong, I love knowing that people care for us and are praying for us.  I’m just not great with responding to it.  But then again, I tend to push people away.  It’s a bad habit of mine, and this is a good chance to work on it, to let people love me, and to love them back.

Time Away July 25, 2008

One of the blessings of being in ministry is how people take care of us.  I’ve noticed this since we moved to Springville, when a group from our congregation painted the inside of our house for us.  The most recent gift was from a couple that live around the corner from us.  They own a camper that is on a permanent site just outside of Westfield, a small community near Lake Erie (about an hour’s drive away).  They loaned us the use of the camper this week, which was a nice chance to get away from the office and do some planning (plus just enjoy the time outside!).  Westfield is a nice community, home to Welches juice and several wineries.  We did a lot of walking while we were there.

In addition to all of the “vacation” activities, we got a lot of planning done.  Travis worked on service themes through the end of the year, and I put together curriculum plans for Sunday school and First communion.  Plus I wrote two papers for school and finished my reading for this class.  As of next week, I will be done with school, with the exception of my final certification interview.

All of this would not have been accomplished without the generosity of this wonderful couple.  We had such a wonderful time, and came home to appreciate our house more, too (there is nothing like a camper to show you how big your house is!).  In addition, we came to the decision to shut off the cable because we spent three days without television and didn’t miss it.  It will save us money and time, and help us to spend more time focused on each other.

Buying a bed July 17, 2008

My husband and I are going to buy a new bed today. Here’s the funny thing: This will be the 5th bed we have purchased (not counting our futon) in our 6 1/2 years of marriage! Why five beds? It’s a bit of a long story…

When we first got married, we had a queen-sized pillow top that my grandparents had bought me a year before. I had moved into an apartment so they bought me a bed for Christmas, and I was thinking ahead to marriage so I got the queen size then. The futon we bought shortly before we got married to have a guest bed in our tiny apartment – dual purpose furniture was the only thing that would fit!

Then we bought a real guest bed when we moved to West Seneca, NY, about seven months after getting married, just after Travis finished seminary. We bought a bunch of furniture at once (stupid move! It took forever to pay it off!) including a double bed for one of the many bedrooms we had in that house. We still have that bed.

Our first dog had some bladder issues (ok, a lot of issues). Anyway, she tended to lose function all over the house whenever she heard thunder, fireworks, a car’s radio, the television… you get the picture. And she lost it all over our bed, the one my grandparents bought us.

So it was off to the mattress store. We bought a new bed, but sometime after the trial period that all mattress companies give you we found ourselves with slowly forming back issues. We moved to Springville in the interim, and visited the chiropractor who recommended something in the memory foam line.

So far, that’s two beds we purchased ourselves. We gave the old bed to a couple from church who needed it, and headed to a new store to pick out a memory foam mattress. I was a bit apprehensive about the potential heat transfer, but it’s actually not been bad. Anyway, we purchased a set that had a 20 year warranty. Good thing, because about two years later the top layer had shifted so that we had a ridge down the middle of our bed with indentations for each of us. The company came out to check it, agreed that it was a warranty issue, and we learned that the model was no longer being manufactured, so guess what? We had to go and pick out bed #4! We have had our current bed for over a year now and no problems with it.

The reason we are shopping again is because my parents, who are very tall, called me to tell me they hate sleeping on the double bed when they come to visit. Remember, that was the first bed we bought. It was a money-saving measure at the time. So my parents said they would buy us a new bed for our guestroom, a queen size, because they want to be more comfortable when they visit us. They went to Ashley Furniture, the only furniture store that is in both Nebraska and New York (to my knowledge), picked out the bed, and sent us a check to cover the cost plus tax and delivery. Works for me!

Trying to get organized July 16, 2008

I tend to get a bit overextended sometimes.  It’s something I end up feeling guilty about, because I see other people able to do so much more than I can with less time and resources.  But then, I’ve never been a “stick to it until the job is done” kind of person.  Instead, I get spurts of energy where I will re-arrange the whole kitchen or re-do my whole work filing system in an afternoon.  One of the things I’ve decided to start doing is keep a running list of potential projects, so that when a fit of energy hits me, I have a list of things to turn to.  These are the things that I am generally less than motivated to do, or that rarely occur to me, like writing thank-you notes (I’m horrible at this!  I end up feeling so guilty when I receive one, because it reminds me of all of the unwritten thank-yous that I have never sent!).  I have a paper-planner binder that I no longer use because I switched to a smart phone, and I think I might use it for some of my “energy surge” project lists, along with ideas for future ministry.  I keep thinking up ideas that won’t work for right now but might for next year (like thoughts about VBS now that I’ve just finished it).  Some of my past attempts at creating systems have failed, because I just don’t know how to create systems for myself.  I only know about systems others have devised, and often times I start out with great energy, following all of the rules of that system, only to have it fall by the wayside after a week.  It doesn’t become a habit.

Oh, I promised some VBS pictures, but I realized in reviewing them that every single one is a picture of kids who attended.  Now, their parents are ok with us using these for church purposes, like on the screens on Sunday or in a newsletter, but I am not sure it would be appropriate to share them here since I know some parents prefer not to have images of their children online.  It’s one thing for a parent to post their children’s pictures, quite another for me to do it without their knowledge.

Home Work July 14, 2008

Most of the time, I don’t get into the whole “housewife” mentality. But there are times, especially after very busy work weeks, that I really enjoy just spending time at home doing laundry, cleaning, and catching up on all the stuff that keeps our house going. Today has been one of those days. I’m almost done with the laundry, and I am looking forward to using our BRAND NEW DISHWASHER for the very first time. Well, it’s been run through a cycle once just to make sure it was working after installation, but now I finally get to use a dishwasher again to wash our dishes, something I haven’t had since we moved into this house last October. Somehow I end up feeling very much like a geek for writing all of this, but the truth is I’m excited to get these things organized at home because it will give me a rest when I come back home after work tomorrow. Currently, my office looks like it’s been hit by multiple natural disasters, so I will spend tomorrow cleaning up the aftermath of VBS. It’s just easier on the weekend with services and needing to get the church back to normal to turn my office into a dumping ground. And for the rest of the week we have people sleeping at our church, so I had to get crafts and games and signs out of the way. I’m just thankful I had the foresight a few months ago to start taking Mondays off, since I’m only a part-time employee. I go into the church to work on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday normally. Last week was naturally an exception to that, but with taking classes on Monday evenings it gives me a day to focus on home and school. I will post some VBS pictures from the office tomorrow.

VBS Carnival July 12, 2008

This afternoon our church will have its second VBS carnival.  We did this last year, too, and the kids seem to enjoy it.  Granted, we do a simple version.  No bounce houses, no rides, no animals.  Just games, crafts, and snack.  This year, since we used CPH’s Friendship Trek, we’re adding a “Jesus Hike” through the church sanctuary, using the stained glass windows to tell the story of Jesus.  Thankfully, my husband Travis is willing to lead this for me!  Assuming I have time to post tomorrow, I’ll write about how things went.  Oh, and the reason I might not have time is because our church picnic is tomorrow.  How many things can we cram into one weekend?  Apparently a lot, because tomorrow there is also a graduation party for a senior from our church and the leaders of Spoke Folk arrive to prepare for the tour that is training at our church.  I think I will sleep in on Monday.

Why? July 11, 2008

I’ve been toying with the idea of blogging for a while now (I’m guessing most new bloggers start with that sentence).  It seems like I always have this running commentary in my head, so why not share it?  After all, some of my friends, colleagues, and family blog.  Why not me?

I titled this blog Blooming Joy as a combination of two lessons God has been teaching me over the past few years.  First, Blooming comes from an illustration by Mary Engelbreit titled “Bloom Where You’re Planted.”  I’ve love ME’s work since I was in junior high, and this one in particular.  It has always reminded me to find the opportunities to grow, improve, and enjoy life wherever I find myself.  That has come in handy in the midst of moving several times in my life.

Being a good Lutheran, I try to look at what is law and what is gospel.  I spent a lot of time struggling to admit that this “blooming” business felt so much like a command and not an invitation to me.  That’s where the joy part comes in.  Joy has been my buzz word for the past twelve months.  Last August I attended a residency at Concordia St. Paul to begin a year-long process towards being certified as a Director of Christian Education (DCE).  During our time there, we participated in several worship experiences, including an evening prayer service called Taize.  The liturgy is very repetitive, and in the midst of one song I find myself focusing on the word joy as it cycled through the chorus.  In that moment I felt this overwhelming sense of God’s presence, and I was struck by the knowledge that I continually deny myself joy in my life.  As the tears rolled down my face, I realized that this was Gospel, the grace of God, which cleared away all of the distractions to show me that He wants me to have joy in my life!

I took these two themes, the Blooming theme that served as part of the title for my master’s thesis, and Joy, which has been my personal theme this year, to title this blog.  I hope to continue to share my thoughts along the way.