Movies and Books March 24, 2009

If it were only up to me (and I had unlimited resources at my disposal), I would have a gigantic book and movie library in my home.  You know, one of those floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall built-in shelving units, all filled with books I love reading, and movies I love to watch.  I’m such a junkie for both.

A couple of years ago we went with some friends to Toronto.  Not an unusual trip for us, since we lived in the Buffalo area and could drive there in a couple of hours (depending on the traffic at the border).  But this time we stayed with our friend’s sister and her husband.  He’s a professor of Italian literature at the university there, and their grown daughters are all talented artists.  Their home was filled (and I mean filled) with books and paintings.  It was amazing.  Yes, it was cluttered.  You couldn’t find a bare spot of wall.  I have no idea what color their walls were painted.  But it was fantastic.  I felt like I could just relax even though we were staying with strangers.  And don’t get me started on the food – that’s a different subject entirely.

And this is only the aesthetic aspect of books.  Movies don’t look quite as nice on the shelf, but that’s what doors are for, to hide the stuff you don’t want in plain view.  So I’d put cabinet doors on the bottom of all of those bookshelves.  And behind those shelves would be a collection of classics like the Godfather and Casablanca, the real classics like Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and the Princess Bride, and all of the cheesy chick flicks that I DVR whenever I find them on cable.  Plus television shows, because I’m a junkie for those too.

The thing is, while I love the look of all of these things, I just plain enjoy reading or watching movies.  One of my favorite movies to quote is “You’ve Got Mail,” which I can’t enjoy watching as much these days because the technology is so dated.  But they write back and forth about things like “bouquets of newly sharpened pencils” and getting lost in the language of Pride and Prejudice.

I only recently watched The Godfather for the first time, and I can’t get over how much it is quoted or referenced in other things.  From my favorite television show (sadly ended in 2007) Gilmore Girls to the aforementioned You’ve Got Mail, it’s all over the place.

As far as books, my favorites run the gamut.  I read the last two Harry Potter books as fast as I could, because I wanted to know.  I re-read Jane Austin almost every year, and love the Lord of the Rings, Narnia, and Anne of Green Gables (all of which are excellent movies, by the way).  My one guilty pleasure in reading is anything by Robin Jones Gunn, a Christian author whom I started reading in junior high when she introduced the Christy Miller series.  She’s continued with the same group of characters from that through some other books dealing with Christy’s friends, and I enjoy reading those for their story lines.

In the last few years I’ve developed a taste for non-fiction, from autobiographical accounts of ordinary people (some were started with blogs) to theology books that focus on the ministry and how to make it better.  I actually don’t have a lot of books at home right now – most of the theology is in my husband’s office at church, and I weeded out a lot of stuff that I’m not reading before we moved.  But oh, to have a home library.  That is the dream.

Introductions March 23, 2009

Whenever someone throws a party and invites people from different areas of their lives, it’s customary to introduce them to each other.  That was the case for  me at a St. Patrick’s day part on Friday night.  It was thrown by one of the church staff and involved a lot of folks from church, but there were also his wife’s coworkers and family, which made for some necessary introductions.

So that’s what I thought I would do today.  Last week I talked about the difficulty I have in making friends.  Well, obviously I don’t lack for friends since some of you are here.  And I thought now would be a good time to introduce you to each other.  My criteria for introductions is simple – if you’ve posted a comment and I know you from some other area of my life, I will introduce you.  Otherwise, if I only know you through online stuff (LEA, or you just wandered onto this blog), you will have to introduce yourself through a comment.  And if you’re a friend and have just been lurking but haven’t commented, I can’t introduce you because I don’t know you’re here.  Got it?  Here we go:

First off, I have to start with my best friend, my husband, the love of my life, Travis.  We have been married for more than seven years now.  You know from this blog that we have our ups and downs, but I wouldn’t trade our life together for anything.  We met in college and started dating in my sophomore year.  Despite some time broken up, we got married six months after I graduated, during his last year at the seminary, and have now had five homes together (I can’t believe we’ve lived that many places in only seven years, but it’s true!).

That’s a perfect segue way to Bethany, whom I have known since I was 16 and I am sure has moved more in her married life than I have (husband’s in the military).  She was the counselor at Camp Luther who supervised CIT’s (Counselors-In-Training) and JS’s (Junior Servants, which I was at the time).  I was also assigned to stay in her cabin for the two weeks I stayed.  In a lot of ways, she was the closest thing I had to a big sister when I was in college, being that I would ask her advice on things that I was going through.  We wrote letters, then emails, and have only seen each other once since that summer, when I was passing through Omaha to see my parents in western Nebraska and she was home visiting her parents who live there.  She’s a great cheerleader, encourager, and crafter, and sent the best care packages I ever got!

Speaking of college, I already mentioned Becky in my last post.  Becky and I were roommates for a few years in college, and had to live together to become friends (we didn’t get along very well before that).  We’ve watched many a crappy chick flick together, probably why they continue to be a guilty pleasure of mine.  She’s the first person I call or email when I head to Minnesota and would have been maid of honor at my wedding if I wasn’t so close to my sister.

Jim is another school friend, but in a much different capacity.  He and I went through an online master’s degree program several years ago, meeting once a week for chat sessions plus continued back-and-forth bulletin board and email discussions.  While he is older than I am (I won’t say how much older, but enough that my husband need not worry about this friendship), I cherish our discussions and the way he can challenge me to think about things from another angle.

Jaime and her husband Jason (though I don’t know if he reads this blog) are a couple that I got to know briefly in the Buffalo area.  Jason is a DCE, and Jaime is a new mom (sorry, Jaime, I can’t remember if you work or not or what it is that you do!). Had we lived closer to each other, I think we would have spent more time together, but I think it’s harder to get together with friends just for fun when you get busy with the stuff of life.  College was much easier to just hang out with people.  But they are both really cool and their daughter is super cute!

Finally, two new people in my life who have commented are Sheri and Kathleen.  I’m still getting to know them but they have both been incredible about sharing themselves with me since we’ve landed in our new church home.  They are both members and sweet as can be.  Sheri is in ChristCare training with me, and we’ve had some great conversations, including a bit of a teasing fest over teaching VBS, which I have decided I will do with her (let’s see if she still reads this to know my answer!).  Kathleen took me to lunch one day and we talked about books quite a bit, and now I have a pile that she has lent to me – between her and the libraries around here I won’t have to spend any money on Amazon (which will thrill my husband)!

Anyway, this was a long post, but I hope all of you have had a chance to get to know the people in my life that are here on this blog.  Speak up if I didn’t mention you!  I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Friendships March 20, 2009

I have a tough time making friends.  I get around people and my brain seems to stop working.  I can’t think what to say, and it’s hard for me to remember (until hours after the interaction) that I should be asking the other person questions.  I’ve had a couple of those experiences lately.  And it’s harder being the pastor’s wife to find those close friends that you can share anything with.

My sister (who is also a pastor’s wife) and I talked about this a few months ago.  If there is something that upsets us that our husbands do, we can’t really talk to anyone about it.  I’m not talking about the minor little annoyances that everyone has.  But let’s face it, your spouse is the closest human relationship you have (ideally).  He can do things that bring you great joy, but he can also hurt you better than anyone else.  I’d be surprised if anyone married would be able to (honestly) say that they have never been deeply hurt by their spouse.

The thing is, television tells us to talk to our girlfriends about those hurts, to deal with them.  I don’t think that’s wise for anyone to do, because it brings another person into the relationship.  Which is why I’m talking in generalities here, not specifics.  But even the minor little complaints are not things I feel comfortable bringing to my friends, because pretty much my friends are people I’ve met at church (members who look to my husband as their pastor) or through the church (usually other church workers who interact with my husband professionally, or their spouses).

Because so much of my life is tied up in being a pastor’s wife, there are times I feel left out of the close-friend thing.  I haven’t really talked with anyone from our last church since we moved, because it hit me that all we talked about was church for the most part.  Now what do we have to talk about?  I’d feel bad sharing joys, like I was saying, “oh, it’s so much better here than being with you.” And sharing sorrows would be the equivalent of telling them “I wish we hadn’t moved.” Neither one paints an accurate picture.

I also get the feeling like people hold back when talking with me, because I am the pastor’s wife.  Probably also because I hold back talking to them.  In a lot of ways this blog is a good outlet for me, because it lets me voice my feelings in a way that I can think through before sharing, and that’s safer than conversation for keeping things private.

What prompted this musing about friends?  Probably the comment from Becky from yesterday’s post.  Becky was my college roommate, for all of you who don’t know her, and one of a handful of people I have always felt comfortable opening up to.  Whenever I think about what a real friend is, I think about the time when I was being really stupid in college with a dating relationship and she told me so.  It hurt at the time but was the truth I needed to hear (even if I did ignore it for a while).

As for the rest of you who follow this blog, from new friends at church to old classmates to people I’ve never met in real life, thank you for listening and allowing me to share my heart with you.

Two-person career March 19, 2009

Not that I’m ignoring Jim’s comments from my last post, but I will address those later. Right now I want to get back on track with some of the things about being a pastor’s wife that have been on my mind.

I wrote my master’s thesis about my role as a pastor’s wife. It’s a long story why I did that, but the point is that I have done a lot of research in that area of my life (besides the hands-on research of living it). Did I also mentioned that I’m a pastor’s kid?

The title of this post is not something I made up. It’s actually a phrase that was coined by researchers in the 1970’s studying military families*. The concept is that there are some careers that require the spouse, while unpaid, to be a part of the job. Certain functions require that spouse’s presence, and the spouse’s absence could be detrimental to success in said career. Ok, that was a mouthful.

So in the 1990’s, another group of researchers applied this concept to pastors and their wives**. I know that we live in an age where there are also husbands of clergy and other church workers. But for the sake of avoiding the confusion of stating “spouse” over and over, I’m going to focus on the more traditional roles because that’s my life.

A lot of the research looks at the difficulties involved in being the wife of a pastor, needing to be present at church functions in order to ensure the success of the pastor. There is also a lot of focus on the stress of having to relocate. Ok, I know what that feels like these days. But I wanted to start out with a post like this to share some of the background on what it means. If I chose to not join the church with my husband, it could be devastating to his career. In addition, I am often invited to events that I may or may not want to attend, but do because of that role.

All of this is painted in a negative light in the research, because it’s easier to measure the effects of stress on people and thus present findings. But the truth is, these are things I don’t mind. I don’t have to worry about finding a church home when we move (thanks to Bethany for that reminder!). I also tend to be a homebody, which means I would probably never get out if I didn’t have stuff that I have to attend. And I usually end up enjoying myself, even though being shy by nature makes me dread big events.

I’m also thankful, because other church bodies take control over where and when their pastors move.  Our church body (the LCMS) allows pastors to make the decision of whether or not to accept a call.  I think we would both struggle a lot more if we weren’t given the opportunity to pray and think through where God is leading us.  And hey, if I don’t like it, I can always blame my husband!  Just kidding.

I think growing up in a pastor’s household prepared me for this life.  I could say that it’s better preparation than what others have, but I know that God in his wisdom and mercy prepares each of us for the lives he has for us, in ways that only he could imagine.  And I am so thankful for the life I have right now.

* Taylor, M.G. & Hartley, S.F. (1975). The two-person career: A classic example. Sociology of Work and Occupations, 2, 354-372.

** Wiggins, M. & Shehah, C.L. (1994). Work and well-being in the two-person career: Relocation stress and coping among clergy husbands and wives. Family Relations, 43(2), 196.

Caring jobs March 17, 2009

As I lay in bed last night, I got to thinking some more about caring for others. Back during my last year of college, I worked in a group home, helping two women with developmental disabilities. They were both pretty high functioning, even helped with the cooking, cleaning, and laundry but needed someone to drive them places and assist with the tasks of life. So two evenings a week and one weekend a month I was at their house, coming alongside of them to care for them. There were times I had to clean up messes that now, looking back, make me want to gag. There were times when I went without sleep in order to catch up on homework while they were sleeping. There were also times when I found myself enjoying the relationship so much with them that none of the rest of it mattered.

That’s what caring is about. I don’t have children, and I don’t know if I ever will. That is in God’s hands. But those two women taught me a lot about setting aside my needs for the good of someone else. They also taught me a great deal about having faith like a child, because while they were both adults in the strictest sense of the word, their faith was simple, straightforward, child-like. It was beautiful. We would go to church and afterwards one of them would comment on something from the service or message and I would be blown away by how she could simplify the complex things of faith.

I still think about them from time to time, wondering how they are doing.
And I know that others are caring for them now. About a year after I graduated, I went back to visit them. I had gotten married and moved to another state, so I had not seen them since my last shift working. The relationship had changed. They no longer had the same level of trust in me that once existed. I understood it, because I can be that way when I haven’t seen someone in a long time. But it was good to see that they were still experiencing the level of care that I was trained to give to them.

Giving care to someone because you are paid to do it, whether in a group home, day care, nursing home, or as a home health aid, can be difficult. But it is also rewarding work, because you know that you are truly making a difference in someone’s life. I would probably be doing that kind of work still, if it weren’t a job that requires a lot of evenings and weekends. That tends to conflict with my primary role of caring for and being in relationship with my husband. And that’s ok. There are others to do that work, but no one else can be Travis’ wife.

Giving Care March 16, 2009

Last week my friend Jim suggested that I start writing about giving care.  So it got me thinking – what does it mean to give care to someone?  I’ve done a lot of looking into spiritual gifts, and a long time ago I came to the conclusion that mercy is not a gift that I possess.  I tend to get drained by the prospect of caring for others.  I have a limited capacity to give of myself to those in need, especially if my logical side kicks in and I start debating in my head about whether or not the person “deserves” to be cared for in the first place.

But then my husband preached about the Hebrew word for mercy, hessid.  I don’t know Hebrew nor have I personally studied the word, but the gist of it seems to be total loving kindness, giving up of oneself for another, sacrificial love, and it signifies a marriage relationship.  I don’t claim to be someone who is able to perfectly show that kind of mercy to my husband.  I’m sure there are days when he would argue that I show absolutely no mercy to him, especially when my hormones are running high.  But while I am a sinful, impatient human being, I can see that there are glimmers of this kind of mercy.  Not because of me, but because of God working through me in my marriage.

Last night, Travis was stressed.  So I rubbed his hands to help him overcome some of that stress, and it seemed to help.  Just a small gesture, and not one that I will remember to repeat the next time, knowing me.  But that is an element of mercy.

I don’t think I will ever be the kind of person who can shower mercy on a stranger.  I spent two years working at a not-for-profit ministry that helps low income families and was severely burned out by the time I quit.  But God is working in me every day to show mercy towards my husband, which is what the intent behind hessid is, anyway.

What I’ve been up to lately March 12, 2009

So, on Monday I made a commitment to post to this blog at least four days a week, implying that those four days would be Monday through Thursday.  Well, how about Monday and Thursday?  I tend to get distracted by other things and forget to go online.  This week was that was because Tuesday I was out of the house most of the day and Wednesday I ran errands and then read a new book.  I’m loving that I have more things to do now that mean I don’t have to sit at the computer and bore myself with online games.  I am starting to get a feel for a new routine, and while I don’t have it figured out yet, at least I have things I’m involved in.  I started attending a Tuesday morning women’s bible study at church.  Minimum commitment, maximum relationship potential.  It gives me a way to get to know other women at church, get into the scriptures, and get out of the house.  Of course, just when I start to get excited about it, I get a call saying our new furniture is being delivered next Tuesday!

Believe me, I’m thankful for the furniture.  My parents bought us new living room furniture because our house is bigger and we now have a basement family room as well as a living room.  So the old stuff is in the basement and the new stuff goes into the main part of the house.  It’s exciting that it is finally arriving – I just wish it could have been delivered on another day, when I don’t have something going on.

I think we have worked out our car situation, temporarily anyway.  On Wednesday during Lent, our church does a soup supper before the evening service.  So I will be taking Travis to work in the morning in order to have the car.  I like the arrangement, because I can run plenty of errands during the day and not run out of energy.  The old arrangement was that I would accompany him to his Monday night meetings (this church does almost all of their meetings on Mondays, so he has one almost every week), drop his off and go to the store.  By the time I would get all of the groceries and other necessities, I would be exhausted (I don’t do well in the evenings) and often would be out of time to stop by another store to get the 1-2 items that Walmart didn’t have.

So yesterday, I went to Walmart, Target, and another grocery store all before noon.  We had lunch together, I stopped by the library on my way home, and after putting groceries away, I spent the afternoon reading a book I picked up.  Today, I’m finishing some laundry, watching the Godfather Part 2 (which I also borrowed from the library – libraries didn’t have movies when I was a kid!), and catching up on my online stuff.

Ok, so that whole thing was a pretty boring recap, but the thing is, I’m excited to have things to do.  I can spend time catching up on an LEA (that’s Lutheran Educator’s Association) discussion, write some notes for a Bible study, do a little research for an assignment for my ChristCare training class, and just relax today.  I’ve found that when I put off some of the chores like laundry and dishes, I get depressed about how the house looks and overwhelmed with the idea of working on them.  But when I make myself get started, they don’t seem nearly as overwhelming, and I feel a lot better about all of it.  Weird how that can be.

Anyway, thanks all of you for listening.  I hope to be back into some of my thoughts on being a pastor’s wife specifically next week.

March 9, 2009

As a piggyback to my last post, here is an interesting link.  How interesting that this topic would come up just as I am falling into a “how do I spend my time” rut.  I am going to give some thought to what it means to work for myself, from home, and how I can do that.  I know I don’t want to work full time, and I would love to write and publish a book.  What better time than now to work on it?

It doesn’t help me with answering what I do for a living, but that’s ok.  It’s something that is personal to me.  I am at the very least committed to writing on this blog at least four days a week (Travis takes off Fridays and Saturdays, and Sunday is just too complicated with church).  I know that I can start compiling some of the stuff I’ve done in the past (two Christmas programs, several Bible studies, a bunch of devotions, papers from school, my thesis, etc.).  And one of the things that blog I linked you to recommends is just getting out there online.  I’m on facebook but not actively promoting myself and my writing just yet.  I’m not really involved in any discussion boards, but I plan to start slow and get more into that.  I’m still a member of the Lutheran Educator’s Association, which is a place to get involved, too.  Whenever someone asks for suggestions on children’s messages or devotions, I’m going to write something.  Even if it isn’t right for them, it will help me to hone my skills.  And I really appreciate all of you out there who are encouraging me (it’s nice to know I have a small following)!

Routines March 6, 2009

I am the worst at setting up a routine for myself.  I just stink at it.  For whatever reason, I am unable to hold myself accountable to get things done, even when I know it needs to be taken care of.  Not that I never get things done, but I tend to do a huge project all at once instead of plugging away steadily.

When we moved into our new house, for example, I had the idea that I would do one load of laundry each day.  After all, the washer and dryer are in a closet in the hallway by the bedrooms, so it’s close and convenient for doing a load daily.  Ha!  Instead, every week we’ve been there I have spent an entire day doing all of the laundry.  That’s not because I put it off, either.  It’s because for me, it’s not as satisfying if I don’t have all the clothes clean.  In fact, if I had it my way, we’d wear paper bags while I do the laundry so it would literally ALL be clean.  Ok, that’s a little obsessive, I know, and I don’t actually go that far.

Or with planning meals.  It’s not enough to decide what we’ll have for dinner tonight or for the week.  I’d rather plan meals for six months at a time, complete with shopping lists (which of course always falls apart).  Or I will rearrange the entire kitchen.  Travis thought I was pregnant at least a couple of times because he saw me doing crazy projects and he called it nesting.  Actually, it’s just how I’m wired.  I get into a mood to work on stuff and then I do a lot of it.

Right now it’s paperwork that I’m focused on.  Every time I start to organize our paperwork, I don’t just file stuff in the already existing files.  I have to go through every file and re-organize them all.  Weird, I know.  Definitely takes more time than is necessary.  But for me, it IS necessary, because otherwise I feel like I’ve failed.  I read on a home organizing website once or twice that this need I have to do all or nothing is my perfectionism.  I think that’s probably true, because I want to have whatever I start be complete and perfect at the end.  Otherwise it isn’t worth it for me to start it.

I think that’s why I get so intimidated about volunteering for things, because I’m afraid of not doing well.  I HATE making phone calls, even to people who will be receptive to me, and so much of being involved in ministry requires making phone calls.  So then I know I will not do well because I end up having to do everything myself, mostly because I don’t ask for help – that requires calling someone!

When did I become someone who was afraid to try?  I think I hid behind good grades when I was in school so I didn’t have to realize that I was actually too scared to try something that I wasn’t sure I would do well at.  Even now, just writing this and thinking about my fears makes me feel anxious.  It’s why I haven’t tried to write a book yet.  I think I have some things to work on.

How many vehicles do you have? March 5, 2009

It’s funny – last week my friend Bethany wrote about how she & her husband flew to Nebraska to pick up a car, and she mentioned that it’s their fourth vehicle.  Assuming their young daughter doesn’t drive, that’s two each.  I could sit back and be jealous of that, because right now Travis & I only have one car.  That’s not each, it’s one car total.

But the thing is, I’m happy with our current one-vehicle statue.  Yes, it means I can’t just pick up and go someplace if I want to.  I have to seriously think about it before I go to the store or the library, and plan around his schedule.  But the up side to this is that I’m not tempted when lunch time rolls around to just run to a fast food chain (my biggest weakness).  I actually made a salad for myself today, in fact.  I also have to plan ahead for running to the store, and that’s a good thing because it forces me to write down a list, check ads, plan meals, knowing that I won’t have a chance to run to the store four to five times in a week.

Strangely enough, I am not that different from my sister’s situation.  While I live in a metropolitan community, with everything at my disposal, I can’t get there easily.  She, on the other hand, lives in the middle of South Dakota, a.k.a. the middle of nowhere, and has to plan for major shopping trips ahead of time.  She and her husband also have one car, because most of the time they are going in the same direction (and he works next door to their house at the church).

We’ve been contemplating getting a second car, now that we live several miles from the church, but that’s a lot of expense to take on – payments, insurance, upkeep.  We’ll see what happens with it.  Anyone have a car they just want to give us?    I’m not in a hurry, and I don’t think Travis is, either.  And that’s ok for now.  I can always drive him to church in the morning if I need the car, which just requires me getting out of bed.  Hmm, that might be a problem…