The call process August 27, 2009

To reassure anyone who might be worried:  my husband is NOT considering a call at this time.  He is firmly planted in his current congregation.  Besides, we’ve only been here six months.  But someone near and dear to us is going through the process right now.  I doubt anyone who reads this knows them personally, but because the web is public, and they have not yet shared the news with their congregation, I will keep their identity anonymous.

It is interesting how this knowledge is getting me to think back to where we were almost a year ago.  I was perfectly content with our congregation, friends, home (well, maybe not perfectly content with our home, but reasonably so), and what was happening in our lives.  I was finished with my DCE (Director of Christian Education) internship, working part-time at our church alongside my husband.  Sunday school was starting soon, I was preparing for my certification interview, and Travis was working on a project through his seminary alma mater to help raise funds.  I had absolutely no desire to go anywhere or change our lives.  Then in September, Travis gets a phone call to set up an interview over the telephone, some church in Ohio.  I get a little apprehensive, but we had been down this road before and nothing had come of it.  Of course, we were past the one year mark on my DCE certification process – Travis had agreed to not consider any calls for one year so I could complete the program without having to start over – so I knew it was a possibility.  But I decided to not worry about it.

After the phone interview, the church in Ohio wanted us to come for an in-person interview.  Travis and I talked, and we both agreed that “going through the process” would be a good learning experience.  We would go to the interview, get a few days away and have some fun, and maybe learn a few things.  But neither of us figured that God was leading us elsewhere.  In fact, we were at that point sure that we were staying put.

So we went to Ohio.  I had thrown my back out two days before the trip (something that literally never happens to me, but it did at the worst possible time).  I had gone to the chiropractor who wanted me to come back again the day we were leaving, so I had to postpone the appointment and instead put my sore back through the pain of sitting in the car for three hours or so.  We met the call committee that night for dinner, then went back to the hotel to sleep.

In the morning, Travis and I went our separate ways.  He drove to the church for a series of interviews with call committee members and staff, while I was shown the area by two women from the committee.  They drove me around to the schools, businesses, and neighborhoods of Hudson. Now, I have this knack for being able to push thoughts to the back of my mind and just stay in the moment.  I don’t know why I have this gift, maybe because I’m married to someone who often worries a little too much, so it balances out.  Needless to say, I didn’t really think about what was in process at that point.

That night we gathered again with the call committee at one of their homes.  It was a lovely, fun-filled dinner with laughter and delicious food.  I found myself falling into my shrinking violet routine, because being around crowds of strangers terrifies me.  By the time we sat at the table, I was ok, but it helps being at a table where you really only need to focus on three to four people:  the person on your left, the one on your right, and the two across from you.

The next morning I slept in while Travis met with a couple of other staff, and then I got picked up and we had a meet-and-greet with members of the congregation.  I answered lots of questions about how we met, what I do for a living, and whether we have children.  That was probably the hardest part of the trip for me, standing in a receiving line to meet a hundred strangers.  After that, we met with a few of the call committee members once more, then headed home.

The trip home was the most significant part of the trip.  I’m sure Travis started to sense God calling him to the congregation throughout the trip, but it wasn’t until the ride home that those thoughts came to the surface for me.  I remember us looking at each other and saying, “uh-oh!” as in, “what have we gotten ourselves into?”  Travis began praying at that point for God to show him clearly where he was supposed to serve.

What I find interesting is that the kinds of things Travis said to me over those weeks that followed are the same kinds of things I am hearing from the couple who are going through this process now.  Now, I know that God can do all sorts of things and I don’t claim to be all-knowing or an expert, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they end up moving to this new place of ministry.  After all, that’s what happened to us!  God has a way of reaching out to His called workers and helping them to see clearly what it is He wants them to do.  I don’t think I ever understood that as a kid when my dad was going through it.  But then again, how many kids can see beyond their own experiences?

The biggest gift that God gave to me through our experience with this process was peace.  I was at peace with relocating, even though I hated the idea of packing and moving, buying and selling houses, and finding new friends.  But that peace was there the whole time.

Do-Nothing, Do-Everything August 26, 2009

There are at least two kinds of pastor’s wives in the world (ok, there are many, but these are the extremes).  The first is the Do-Everything.  This is the woman who feels it is her duty to do whatever ministry needs to be taken care of that doesn’t fall under her husband’s realm of responsibilities.  She will volunteer to play organ, run the nursery, direct choir, assist with communion, read the lessons, teach Sunday school, order supplies, and clean the bathrooms.  Her career is related to her husband’s and the church, being “employed” by the church (without pay) as musician or teacher.  If there is a job to be done other than preaching, she will be the first to volunteer, and everyone in the congregation knows it.  Other members stop raising their hands at meetings, waiting for her to step up to the plate.  Dishes pile up on the kitchen counters, dust collects in the corners, children cry in the hallways, and her assumptions prove true:  if she doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done!  The fear she harbors becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she eventually becomes burned out with the sheer volume of tasks to be done.

The other kind of PW (pastor’s wife) is the Do-Nothing.  She is the last one to volunteer for anything, out of fear that she will be stuck with the task for life.  She would rather see a ministry fail than take it on herself, being far too busy caring for her husband and children to get involved at church.  In fact, she is often absent from church events, and can come off as resentful of her husband’s career.  Her chosen field of work is so far removed from the church that one wonders if a strip club would be a more appealing place for her to be employed.  She often makes more money than her husband and complains about the extra activities that keep him from his family.  When someone asks her to participate in ministry, she makes any excuse possible to extract herself from the obligation.  Her greatest fear in life is being trapped in the “Do-Everything” role so she makes it clear that she will not do anything.  As a result, she is constantly being asked to participate in various ministries because everyone assumes she just hasn’t found her fit yet, and inevitably she offends half the congregation.

Neither one of these extremes is good.  The first one is probably closer to the kind of pastors’ wives that my mother and sister have become, though it is an exaggeration.  The second is closer to my experiences (no, I wouldn’t work at a strip club!).  Both extremes are based in fear – fear of the perceptions of others.  In the Do-Everything example, the wife is fearful that she and/or her husband will be discredited unless she picks up the slack.  The Do-Nothing is afraid of being used and/or having her identity and family life swallowed by the congregation.

I think there’s a happy medium between these two extremes, but I also know that the pitfalls are easy to fall into.  I can volunteer for ministry and also learn to say no.  It’s a matter of setting boundaries that aren’t completely unreasonable.  I’m still learning what that means.

Feeling inadequate August 18, 2009

One of the things I’ve always struggled with in my professional life is feeling like I don’t quite measure up.  I wasn’t as organized as I’d like when I was leading Sunday school, so I felt like a failure.  Or when I did youth ministry, I wasn’t “cool” enough to really engage kids in wanting to come.  Or when I worked with volunteers, I didn’t do follow-up and encouragement because I’m so shy about calling people or stopping them to start a conversation.

So I’m already starting to feel that anxiety about helping out with the praise team at church, and I don’t even have the job at this point!  I did an interview before I left for my trip, and I think it went well, but I have a lot of doubts about my musical abilities.  I know I can sing, that’s not the problem.  But piano and instrumental skills escape me, and I’m worried that I’m inadequate.  It’s hard, because I know God is pushing me to get better in these areas, but I also know I need to get some formal training to understand the basics of music better.  I can’t believe I went through eight years of piano lessons and probably as many years in choirs during high school and college and managed to not absorb more of the technical side of music.  I need to re-learn some of the keys, particularly the ones that have lots of sharps and flats.  I need to also discipline myself to count instead of just feeling the music.  More than anything, though, is the fear of being a leader when the team is composed of people who are older than I am.  Even though I’m in my thirties and complain with my friends about the signs of aging we’re already experiencing, I still feel like I’m too young to be leading adults.  Kids are easier, because it’s a given that I’m older and therefore if not wiser, at least more likely to be in charge.

At the same time, I can’t help but think that God is working on some new ways of doing ministry for me.  He’s pushing me in this direction, whether or not I get the job.  I know He’s working on me to improve my musical skills.  It started at our last church, when I started to work on my piano skills for worship.  I continue to be pushed in new ways by God.  When I first started working for churches, it was as my husband’s secretary.  Then I moved into youth work, then volunteer leadership, then children’s ministry.  Now I’m learning more about music, and I sometimes sit back and wonder what God has in store for me down the road.  I can’t point to a specific career trajectory, because it’s been all over the place.  But God’s hand has been with me all along the way, and that’s pretty amazing.

Come to think of it, my husband has had similar experiences.  Oh boy, what is God preparing us for?  Maybe it’s better that I don’t know at this point.  It would probably scare me.

Turning off the tube August 18, 2009

I’m contemplating a fast from television.  Ironic, since at the moment I’m writing this while a DVD of a television show is on and I was thinking about two other shows that I wouldn’t mine owning the DVDs to.  But I’ve been dancing around this thought for a while now, and then on Sunday, the pastor at the church I attended with my friend made a comment about television that got me thinking.  And prior to that, I’ve been frustrated by how much time I spend in front of the tube.  I get more enjoyment from reading and watching movies than television anyway.  Plus, I get tired of seeing all of the home decorating shows that I’m draw to but make me wish I had a nicer house (and my house is great!).

So I’m going to continue to mull this over through the end of the month.  I think the best time to start something is at the beginning of the month, so I will decide by September 1.  In the meantime, I’m going to work on being satisfied with what I have and enjoying the television as a piece of entertainment.

Traveling August 16, 2009

Remember how I said that being unemployed is a good thing?  Well, this is one of those times for me.  I have a friend who is recooperating post-surgery, so I’m actually hanging out with her for the next few days.  And since she lives semi-close to family, I get to see my mom and sister, too.  I’m not sure if I’ll see my dad on this trip or not – that’s one of those things about being related to pastors, you never can tell what the schedule will be like.

Once I get home from this jaunt, I will hopefully be able to start making some plans for myself in terms of how I spend my time.  I do like the freedom that comes from unemployment but I tend to get a little stir-crazy being at home.  That feeling has been exacerbated lately, so I really do want to find something outside of the house to keep me occupied.  Maybe that’s a job, maybe a volunteer stint.  I’ve done some emailing of professional contacts through the church, so hopefully something will pan out.  In the meantime, I get to have a few days away enjoying the company of people I love.  And when I get back, Crossways will start, plus I’ll be getting into teaching Bible study myself on Sundays.  Oh, plus there’s a wedding at church labor day weekend and our ChristCare group, wow, it’s going to be busy in the evenings and weekends.  I just need something to keep me occupied during the day.

What I don’t want is to work full time, though.  That much I know.  It’s too hard on our lives to introduce another full-time demand into the schedule.  I was just sharing with my friend tonight that I’ve only had one full-time job in my life, and that was only when Travis was in seminary.  Good thing I met him, I can just sit back and be a “lady of leisure.”  Whatever that is – like I could actually handle sitting around doing nothing all day.  But it is kind of fun for a little while!

Prayer request August 4, 2009

A lot of things are going on for me and a few people close to me right now, so I’m just asking for general prayers.  Most of the stuff has details that I can’t go into, especially on the internet, so I would just ask that if you have a moment today you would send an extra prayer up to heaven for me, my husband, and a few friends of mine.  I will share more details as I can, but God will know what the prayers are for even if you don’t.

I really appreciate it.

Unity July 22, 2009

I go back and forth about things like using pre-determined readings at church and which version of the creed/Lord’s prayer should be used.  Ultimately these are decisions that are not up to me, but I have found myself in situations that have called for me to have an opinion about them.  Today I am merely sharing my thoughts on it, though.

One of the things I wonder about is whether using the “King James” style of Lord’s prayer (complete with “thee” and “thy”) is useful.  On the one hand, the children of our congregation have been memorizing it that way for years.  So there is an educational impact to changing it.  There is also something sacred-sounding to the language, taking you into another time and place and invoking images of soaring cathedral ceilings and stained glass and chanting.  Or maybe that’s just me.

On the other hand, there is the impact it can have on those outside of the church.  The reason so many people are intimidated by Shakespeare in school is because the language is more difficult to understand.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it referred to as “Old English,” a pet peeve of mine because Old English is technically another language altogether, needing translation.  It’s what Beowulf was written in.  King James style English is modern English.  Anyway, tangent over.

What does it say about mission that we don’t adapt our service wording in all aspects to those who may be unchurched?  Then again, how much should we change for the sake of those who are not already accustomed to it?  And is it more important to teach them and hold to our traditions, knowing that having some traditional aspects to the faith gives it more creedence in the eyes of an outsider?

Part of the reason I’m thinking about this is because my husband chooses not to followed the prescribed readings for the church year.  He chooses to preach more thematically and select readings that fit the theme of the day.  I don’t argue with that approach.  In fact, until today I never understood the argument for the other side of the equation, to be joined with the rest of the church on earth in the same readings, which connects us to other Christians around the world.  To me, that is the reason why we continue to use the Lord’s Prayer and the creeds.  But I see a new element to the debate now.

I’ve been doing my daily devotions lately from the daily lectionary, a set of prescribed readings for each day throughout the year.  Some follow the church year, others, the calendar.  What I have found is that when I am connected to other Christians in this way, the text is opened up for me more fully.  That is because my husband also uses these for his personal devotional time and usually writes a weekly devotion based on one or two of the readings.  In addition, one of the blogs I follow also commented on one of the readings for this week.  So I found myself thinking more in-depth about the Word of God from being exposed to the same passage a few times over.  That’s important.  God opening His Word to me is a good thing.

Home again July 2, 2009

What is it about traveling that makes you need a vacation?  I feel more tired today than I did before we left.  Some of that is because I don’t sleep well in other beds/houses/hotel rooms.  The temperature, sounds, feel of the mattress, all of that is different from at home.  Of course I’m adding to that the frustration of having a broken washing machine.  It worked fine before we left, and now it won’t start for some reason.  Thankfully we have an extended warranty, but because July 3rd is a holiday (I guess, with July 4th on the weekend, people still need one), it won’t be fixed until Monday.  And that’s if it’s a simple fix.  Ugh.  So I have one load of clothes that I washed but I’m not 100% sure are clean because who knows if they got washed or just rinsed (it’s a front loading machine, I’m not sure if the detergent dispensed or not, they smell clean but who knows?).  And I have two more loads that I need to wash ASAP.  I hate it when these things happen.  It’s irritating.  I wish in hindsight that I hadn’t gotten this washing machine, it’s given me nothing but headaches and anxiety since day one:  learning to use a front loader, making sure you baby it, worrying about leaks, getting off-balance, and since the move it hasn’t quite fit in the laundry closet which makes me worry that they won’t actually fix it but will say it’s because of where we keep it.  If they don’t fix it, I’m never buying another extended warranty again.

Other than that, and feeling exhausted, I’m doing ok.  Still feeling a bit unsettled after being gone 2/3 of June, and not quite feeling like Ohio is home yet.  Not that I know what “home” should feel like, but I think because we only lived in our last house for a little over a year, I can’t quite believe that this place is going to be long-term.  I really hope we will stay put for a while, I’m so tired of moving.

The Other Woman May 7, 2009

So, I was laying awake the other night and musing about this blog and my hopes for a book, and I think I’m going to work around the title of this post, something like The Minister and the Other Woman:  How to Cope When Your Husband Serves the Bride of Christ.  I like the idea of it because the title is eye catching and semi-shocking.  I’d be curious about it.  What was your reaction to the title of this post?

The thing is, I’ve never felt like it’s a big deal to share my husband with the bride of Christ (aka the church).  I stumbled over an old journal entry about that last week, where apparently someone from church had apologized to me for keeping my husband away from me due to a family crisis.  What I wrote then and still believe now is that God has called me to give in that way.  Unlike my husband, who is gifted with helping people and knowing what to say during a crisis, I tend to do a lot of standing around, not knowing what to say, acting generally stupid.  And I also think a lot about myself instead of others when I’m supposed to be helping them.  That’s not helpful.  But the way I can help, and not be self-centered, is by giving up time with my husband willingly.  It’s all God’s time, really, and me putting demands on the situation doesn’t help anyone who needs it.

I came to that place the hard way, after a couple of funerals that were scheduled during “inconvenient” times in my opinion.  I had to learn to get over myself and realize that my husband, the family, and God were not conspiring to keep me from having fun with Travis.  The situation doesn’t appear every day, or even every week or month.  But on the occassion that someone needs him, I am more than willing to gladly share my husband.

That other woman will always be there, on the other end of the phone, at the office, filling my husband’s evenings and working hours.  But I know my husband has eyes only for me, and will never stray.  Because of that, I can share him with the bride of Christ.  She’s already got a husband waiting for her.  My husband is merely the groomsman assisting during the time leading up to the wedding feast of heaven.

Some of my favorite pastor’s wives April 6, 2009

While this blog is mostly about my journey, there are others who have shared the road with me.  These are the pastor’s wives who have been in my life, who have shaped my experiences and who are the first ones I think of when I write.

The first one is my mother, with whom I had a rocky relationship as a teenager and yet, I found myself wanting her life.  I knew from a young age that God meant for me to marry a pastor, despite teasing to that end.  My mother was the first example I had.  I saw her sitting in the front of the church, singing out on unfamiliar songs, even though she is not a singer by nature.  She taught Sunday school, cleaned the church, looked for cues from my father at meetings to know if, when, and how to vote, and worked hard to keep us fed and clothed on a tight budget.  My sister and I never wanted for anything, and I know that was her doing.

While I never adopted some of her habits, like referring to my husband as “Pastor” in front of church members, I learned what can be gained from being submissive to my husband in front of the congregation and how my respect shows others how to respect him.

When I have struggles as a pastor’s wife, she is one of two people that I call.  The other is my sister.  Yes, we both married pastors.

My sister was nice enough to marry one of my husband’s good friends from college.  Why is that nice?  Because when we get together, the boys can get sent on errands together to allow for us girls to chat, and we don’t have to worry about either of them getting annoyed with us.  Now, the down side of all of us in the family being involved in church work is that we don’t get together very often.  Besides weekends and holidays being off-limits, we live too far apart.  But my cell phone generally has my sister’s number in the “last dialed” list.  She and I commisserate on the difficulties and joys of life in the parish.

When it comes time to talk about the difficulties of raising kids while being married to a pastor, my sister is the first person I will ask to write a guest post (or two, or fifty).  She and her husband have three daughters, all under the age of five.  I know that they have to juggle many more things than I ever could imagine, and I’m so impressed with how well she handles it.

The third pastor’s wife is Jessica, the friend and former roommate I mentioned before.  She got married a year and a half before I did, and she and her husband were still in St. Louis at the seminary, finishing up, when I moved there to find a job before getting married.  She, her husband, and their two daughters live in NYC.  She is the most patient person I know, taking so many things in stride.  When we lived together, despite my ups and downs in relationships and classes (and that year was a doozy for me) she was relaxed and helped me to get over myself.  She’s also a native Ohio-an (anyone know what the right word is?) which I think is funny since I now live here.  The first time I came to this state was for her wedding.  Now I live here, and she lives in New York.  We did live there at the same time, but since we lived on opposite ends of the state only saw each other once when I flew to see her.

While there are others in my life, not just pastor’s wives but church worker wives as well, these are the ones I am closest to.  I’m getting to know the other wives of staff here, which is a new thing for me.  Our last church had a staff of three, basically:  Travis, me, and the secretary.  Her husband never went to church, so I only met him once or twice.  So having a larger church staff with spouses who come to church is a new thing for us.  I’m sure I will have more to share about those relationships in the years to come.

If you know a pastor’s wife, send her here to read.  I’d love to hear the thoughts of other women who have these experiences, my hope is to keep the conversation flowing through the joys and sorrows we all have in common.