The call process August 27, 2009

To reassure anyone who might be worried:  my husband is NOT considering a call at this time.  He is firmly planted in his current congregation.  Besides, we’ve only been here six months.  But someone near and dear to us is going through the process right now.  I doubt anyone who reads this knows them personally, but because the web is public, and they have not yet shared the news with their congregation, I will keep their identity anonymous.

It is interesting how this knowledge is getting me to think back to where we were almost a year ago.  I was perfectly content with our congregation, friends, home (well, maybe not perfectly content with our home, but reasonably so), and what was happening in our lives.  I was finished with my DCE (Director of Christian Education) internship, working part-time at our church alongside my husband.  Sunday school was starting soon, I was preparing for my certification interview, and Travis was working on a project through his seminary alma mater to help raise funds.  I had absolutely no desire to go anywhere or change our lives.  Then in September, Travis gets a phone call to set up an interview over the telephone, some church in Ohio.  I get a little apprehensive, but we had been down this road before and nothing had come of it.  Of course, we were past the one year mark on my DCE certification process – Travis had agreed to not consider any calls for one year so I could complete the program without having to start over – so I knew it was a possibility.  But I decided to not worry about it.

After the phone interview, the church in Ohio wanted us to come for an in-person interview.  Travis and I talked, and we both agreed that “going through the process” would be a good learning experience.  We would go to the interview, get a few days away and have some fun, and maybe learn a few things.  But neither of us figured that God was leading us elsewhere.  In fact, we were at that point sure that we were staying put.

So we went to Ohio.  I had thrown my back out two days before the trip (something that literally never happens to me, but it did at the worst possible time).  I had gone to the chiropractor who wanted me to come back again the day we were leaving, so I had to postpone the appointment and instead put my sore back through the pain of sitting in the car for three hours or so.  We met the call committee that night for dinner, then went back to the hotel to sleep.

In the morning, Travis and I went our separate ways.  He drove to the church for a series of interviews with call committee members and staff, while I was shown the area by two women from the committee.  They drove me around to the schools, businesses, and neighborhoods of Hudson. Now, I have this knack for being able to push thoughts to the back of my mind and just stay in the moment.  I don’t know why I have this gift, maybe because I’m married to someone who often worries a little too much, so it balances out.  Needless to say, I didn’t really think about what was in process at that point.

That night we gathered again with the call committee at one of their homes.  It was a lovely, fun-filled dinner with laughter and delicious food.  I found myself falling into my shrinking violet routine, because being around crowds of strangers terrifies me.  By the time we sat at the table, I was ok, but it helps being at a table where you really only need to focus on three to four people:  the person on your left, the one on your right, and the two across from you.

The next morning I slept in while Travis met with a couple of other staff, and then I got picked up and we had a meet-and-greet with members of the congregation.  I answered lots of questions about how we met, what I do for a living, and whether we have children.  That was probably the hardest part of the trip for me, standing in a receiving line to meet a hundred strangers.  After that, we met with a few of the call committee members once more, then headed home.

The trip home was the most significant part of the trip.  I’m sure Travis started to sense God calling him to the congregation throughout the trip, but it wasn’t until the ride home that those thoughts came to the surface for me.  I remember us looking at each other and saying, “uh-oh!” as in, “what have we gotten ourselves into?”  Travis began praying at that point for God to show him clearly where he was supposed to serve.

What I find interesting is that the kinds of things Travis said to me over those weeks that followed are the same kinds of things I am hearing from the couple who are going through this process now.  Now, I know that God can do all sorts of things and I don’t claim to be all-knowing or an expert, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they end up moving to this new place of ministry.  After all, that’s what happened to us!  God has a way of reaching out to His called workers and helping them to see clearly what it is He wants them to do.  I don’t think I ever understood that as a kid when my dad was going through it.  But then again, how many kids can see beyond their own experiences?

The biggest gift that God gave to me through our experience with this process was peace.  I was at peace with relocating, even though I hated the idea of packing and moving, buying and selling houses, and finding new friends.  But that peace was there the whole time.

Do-Nothing, Do-Everything August 26, 2009

There are at least two kinds of pastor’s wives in the world (ok, there are many, but these are the extremes).  The first is the Do-Everything.  This is the woman who feels it is her duty to do whatever ministry needs to be taken care of that doesn’t fall under her husband’s realm of responsibilities.  She will volunteer to play organ, run the nursery, direct choir, assist with communion, read the lessons, teach Sunday school, order supplies, and clean the bathrooms.  Her career is related to her husband’s and the church, being “employed” by the church (without pay) as musician or teacher.  If there is a job to be done other than preaching, she will be the first to volunteer, and everyone in the congregation knows it.  Other members stop raising their hands at meetings, waiting for her to step up to the plate.  Dishes pile up on the kitchen counters, dust collects in the corners, children cry in the hallways, and her assumptions prove true:  if she doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done!  The fear she harbors becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she eventually becomes burned out with the sheer volume of tasks to be done.

The other kind of PW (pastor’s wife) is the Do-Nothing.  She is the last one to volunteer for anything, out of fear that she will be stuck with the task for life.  She would rather see a ministry fail than take it on herself, being far too busy caring for her husband and children to get involved at church.  In fact, she is often absent from church events, and can come off as resentful of her husband’s career.  Her chosen field of work is so far removed from the church that one wonders if a strip club would be a more appealing place for her to be employed.  She often makes more money than her husband and complains about the extra activities that keep him from his family.  When someone asks her to participate in ministry, she makes any excuse possible to extract herself from the obligation.  Her greatest fear in life is being trapped in the “Do-Everything” role so she makes it clear that she will not do anything.  As a result, she is constantly being asked to participate in various ministries because everyone assumes she just hasn’t found her fit yet, and inevitably she offends half the congregation.

Neither one of these extremes is good.  The first one is probably closer to the kind of pastors’ wives that my mother and sister have become, though it is an exaggeration.  The second is closer to my experiences (no, I wouldn’t work at a strip club!).  Both extremes are based in fear – fear of the perceptions of others.  In the Do-Everything example, the wife is fearful that she and/or her husband will be discredited unless she picks up the slack.  The Do-Nothing is afraid of being used and/or having her identity and family life swallowed by the congregation.

I think there’s a happy medium between these two extremes, but I also know that the pitfalls are easy to fall into.  I can volunteer for ministry and also learn to say no.  It’s a matter of setting boundaries that aren’t completely unreasonable.  I’m still learning what that means.

Feeling inadequate August 18, 2009

One of the things I’ve always struggled with in my professional life is feeling like I don’t quite measure up.  I wasn’t as organized as I’d like when I was leading Sunday school, so I felt like a failure.  Or when I did youth ministry, I wasn’t “cool” enough to really engage kids in wanting to come.  Or when I worked with volunteers, I didn’t do follow-up and encouragement because I’m so shy about calling people or stopping them to start a conversation.

So I’m already starting to feel that anxiety about helping out with the praise team at church, and I don’t even have the job at this point!  I did an interview before I left for my trip, and I think it went well, but I have a lot of doubts about my musical abilities.  I know I can sing, that’s not the problem.  But piano and instrumental skills escape me, and I’m worried that I’m inadequate.  It’s hard, because I know God is pushing me to get better in these areas, but I also know I need to get some formal training to understand the basics of music better.  I can’t believe I went through eight years of piano lessons and probably as many years in choirs during high school and college and managed to not absorb more of the technical side of music.  I need to re-learn some of the keys, particularly the ones that have lots of sharps and flats.  I need to also discipline myself to count instead of just feeling the music.  More than anything, though, is the fear of being a leader when the team is composed of people who are older than I am.  Even though I’m in my thirties and complain with my friends about the signs of aging we’re already experiencing, I still feel like I’m too young to be leading adults.  Kids are easier, because it’s a given that I’m older and therefore if not wiser, at least more likely to be in charge.

At the same time, I can’t help but think that God is working on some new ways of doing ministry for me.  He’s pushing me in this direction, whether or not I get the job.  I know He’s working on me to improve my musical skills.  It started at our last church, when I started to work on my piano skills for worship.  I continue to be pushed in new ways by God.  When I first started working for churches, it was as my husband’s secretary.  Then I moved into youth work, then volunteer leadership, then children’s ministry.  Now I’m learning more about music, and I sometimes sit back and wonder what God has in store for me down the road.  I can’t point to a specific career trajectory, because it’s been all over the place.  But God’s hand has been with me all along the way, and that’s pretty amazing.

Come to think of it, my husband has had similar experiences.  Oh boy, what is God preparing us for?  Maybe it’s better that I don’t know at this point.  It would probably scare me.

Turning off the tube August 18, 2009

I’m contemplating a fast from television.  Ironic, since at the moment I’m writing this while a DVD of a television show is on and I was thinking about two other shows that I wouldn’t mine owning the DVDs to.  But I’ve been dancing around this thought for a while now, and then on Sunday, the pastor at the church I attended with my friend made a comment about television that got me thinking.  And prior to that, I’ve been frustrated by how much time I spend in front of the tube.  I get more enjoyment from reading and watching movies than television anyway.  Plus, I get tired of seeing all of the home decorating shows that I’m draw to but make me wish I had a nicer house (and my house is great!).

So I’m going to continue to mull this over through the end of the month.  I think the best time to start something is at the beginning of the month, so I will decide by September 1.  In the meantime, I’m going to work on being satisfied with what I have and enjoying the television as a piece of entertainment.

Traveling August 16, 2009

Remember how I said that being unemployed is a good thing?  Well, this is one of those times for me.  I have a friend who is recooperating post-surgery, so I’m actually hanging out with her for the next few days.  And since she lives semi-close to family, I get to see my mom and sister, too.  I’m not sure if I’ll see my dad on this trip or not – that’s one of those things about being related to pastors, you never can tell what the schedule will be like.

Once I get home from this jaunt, I will hopefully be able to start making some plans for myself in terms of how I spend my time.  I do like the freedom that comes from unemployment but I tend to get a little stir-crazy being at home.  That feeling has been exacerbated lately, so I really do want to find something outside of the house to keep me occupied.  Maybe that’s a job, maybe a volunteer stint.  I’ve done some emailing of professional contacts through the church, so hopefully something will pan out.  In the meantime, I get to have a few days away enjoying the company of people I love.  And when I get back, Crossways will start, plus I’ll be getting into teaching Bible study myself on Sundays.  Oh, plus there’s a wedding at church labor day weekend and our ChristCare group, wow, it’s going to be busy in the evenings and weekends.  I just need something to keep me occupied during the day.

What I don’t want is to work full time, though.  That much I know.  It’s too hard on our lives to introduce another full-time demand into the schedule.  I was just sharing with my friend tonight that I’ve only had one full-time job in my life, and that was only when Travis was in seminary.  Good thing I met him, I can just sit back and be a “lady of leisure.”  Whatever that is – like I could actually handle sitting around doing nothing all day.  But it is kind of fun for a little while!

The difference between friends and church members August 10, 2009

Don’t get me wrong – the title of this post does not mean that the two are mutually exclusive.  I have friends who are members of churches my husband has served and friends who aren’t.  But I’m learning that there is a difference between the two.

When I shared the news about the miscarriage, I did it in three ways:  phone calls (to family), this blog, and email.  The third one is how I began to distinguish the difference.  You see, I only sent the email to a select group of people.  As I went through my address book, I thought through whether my relationship with the person was close enough to warrant sharing the news, and also if I thought that they would truly want to know.  I know that people in general care (I even had a comment from a stranger on my last post!) but sometimes when you move elsewhere there are relationships that just plain end.

I did leave a couple of people out who might have fit both criterea but I know just don’t check email very often.  I’d hate to send it to them and have them email me back three months from now saying, “I just saw this, I’m so sorry!”  That puts them in an awkward position.

But this process helped me to see that I really need to update my email address book.  There are several people from our last congregation still on that list with whom I did not feel comfortable sharing the news.  Those relationships have closed.  In some cases, that’s ok.  In others, it’s sad but I’m learning to move on.

When we were at that congregation, I would have considered some of them to be “friendly” but not “friends.”  Friends are the people who will listen to your issues just because it’s you.  Friends are the ones who pray for your needs.  Friends are the folks who love you even when you leave.  Friends are the ones who miss you for you, not just because they miss your husband’s way of leading church.

I’m learning that it’s important to have friends in the congregation and friends outside of it.  I still struggle with finding people who fit the second category, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  I guess that’s how a lot of my life is going these days.

Thank you all for your well wishes, prayers, concerns, etc.  It is greatly appreciated.

August 7, 2009

I had no idea that God was at work leading me to write Tuesday’s post.  Originally I wrote it because I was thinking about two things in particular, a dear friend who just had surgery and the good news we were sharing in the correct order with family, friends, etc.  I found out over the weekend that I was pregnant.  However, Wednesday I started to miscarry.  So I needed those prayers more than I ever knew I would, and I thank all of you for sending them up for us.  I don’t think I’ve wrapped my head around the details of this week yet – Travis was supposed to be gone all week at a conference, and I was supposed to fly out tomorrow to stay with the friend who had surgery, but all of those plans were changed.  I had already altered my plans because she’s still in the hospital, and Travis came home Wednesday to be with me before we knew for sure what was happening, but God had His hand in taking care of us both through this.

I am trying to be thankful that we could finally get pregnant, and I have been thinking about this stuff a lot as I lay awake at night, but right now I’m tired and feeling pretty yucky and run down.  Please keep praying, we’re very thankful for friends like all of you.  I know I have more to share but it’s going to be a while before I can process all of this, the fears and anxieties, the sorrow, the joy, the pain of all of it.  And I’m too drained physically by what’s happening to my body to deal with it right now.

Prayer request August 4, 2009

A lot of things are going on for me and a few people close to me right now, so I’m just asking for general prayers.  Most of the stuff has details that I can’t go into, especially on the internet, so I would just ask that if you have a moment today you would send an extra prayer up to heaven for me, my husband, and a few friends of mine.  I will share more details as I can, but God will know what the prayers are for even if you don’t.

I really appreciate it.

Pastors in pop culture August 3, 2009

My husband gets thoroughly annoyed with the portrayal of pastors in movies and television.  Sometimes I do, too.  I wonder sometimes if other professionals get equally irritated by how actors and scripts skew what they do for a living.  A few of my favorite pastor examples:

Raising Helen:  This movie didn’t do so well, as I recall.  Romantic comedies can be hit and miss, though, and this one just didn’t sit right.  Ok, I am a big Kate Hudson fan, but the script was just off.  In case you missed this one, she plays a single woman whose sister and brother-in-law die in a car accident, leaving her with custody of their three children.  Rather than enroll the kids in NYC public schools, she finds a Lutheran school and takes them there.  Along the way sparks fly between her and the pastor/principal. It just doesn’t make sense.  It’s like they wanted to do something that was close enough to Catholic but the minister could date/marry.  So they picked Lutheran.  I don’t know of any Lutheran schools that have a pastor as the principal.  I could have missed one, but it just doesn’t fit.  And I’m sorry, but while I know that Ms. Hudson’s smile could charm any man, a pastor who is focused on serving the Lord is not going to start dating a woman with zero interest in the faith, unless he’s self-destructive.

Seventh Heaven:  No list of pastors in film could be complete without this long-running WB series (yes, I know it’s the CW now, but I’m not a fan of the merger with UPN, and the show actually finished the first time with the WB).  This one was a show I liked in the earlier years, not so much in the later ones.  I realize that pastor’s kids will follow their own paths in life, often making choices that take them far from their parents’ ideals.  However, it’s usually not so over-the-top as this soapy-style show made it seem.  My husband especially disliked this show, since it wasn’t very realistic about a pastor’s responsibilities and burdens.  I always marveled at how much work they did to the parsonage (church-owned home supplied to the pastor) themselves, and how the church let them continue to live in it even when he took a leave of absence that extended into a full-blown resignation.  And how on earth did he, the senior pastor, live in that while his daughter somehow as the associate pastor could afford to buy a house next door?

There are many others, but I realized today after reading this blog post, I’m kind of a snob when it comes to these kinds of fiction.  I don’t watch them because I assume they’ll be inaccurate.  Like “The Preacher’s Wife” and “The Thorn Birds” (ok, that second one is older and it’s about a priest, not a pastor, but still), I just don’t always take the time to watch them because they probably won’t be a reflection of what life is really like.

Anyone out there have a similar experience with your career?

Christian music July 30, 2009

I grew up listening to Christian music, mostly Amy Grant and Kids Praise.  Gotta love Psalty the Songbook!  I didn’t even start to listen to music radio until I was in junior high and rode with friends who begged for it in the car, or attending skating parties (Wang Chung always makes me think of roller skates and disco balls as a result).

I find it strange how the music has changed over time.  For a while it was a handful of artists on the fringe of the music scene, filling a void for people who refused to listen to secular music.  Then artists began popping up who were cleaner imitations of the ones on the radio.  Now we’re into this mix of those and a whole host of worship music that has sprung up in conjunction with the praise worship services that are taking over so many churches.

I struggle with figuring out worship context.  Traditional hymns weren’t always old-fashioned.  In fact, many of the songs Martin Luther wrote were words set to popular bar tunes.  The movie “Sister Act” was all about trying to attract people through more modern styles of worship.  But I wonder sometimes if we just flounder with copying other churches instead of listening to where God would have us go.

I know the style of worship we had at our last church worked for that congregation in that community.  Still does.  But duplicating it here in this community and congregation might not be right.  However, the fact that our praise services sometimes feel over-rehearsed doesn’t always feel right, either.  I like the idea of striking a balance between rehearsal/planning and allowing for the Spirit to move.  Of course, I said that last night during rehearsal and got a couple of weird looks.  It’s something I’m still trying to figure out for myself.

Another piece to this is the question of the worship team simply singing a song without the congregation.  I don’t know if I’m actually opposed to this idea or if it’s leftover from our former praise team leader who was adament about not giving a performance but leading worship (meaning that we invite the congregation to be a part of every song).

I guess the answer lies only with God.  Rather than listening to popular wisdom or other writers or pastors or churches or people, I need to pray and listen to what God is telling me.  Assuming I will continue to lead the team, that is.  We’ll see what happens.